In a bakery on labutenas
Beats - it means, he loves? Or beats - it means, in court? In a whirlpool with a head? Or trial cohabitation without superfluous obligations? Marriage contract? Or do you love - trust? Love is love, but money is apart? Or who pays, he dances?
The well-known Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky explained to the portal Delfi, from where a flagrant difference in the organization of personal life with Russians and Europeans took.
Ex-Rizhanka, now the Parisian Ilona in shock: she began courting the beginning French financier, his salary is more than her earnings of a florist once every ten, but he considers every penny. "I'm sure that he first started a separate column in Excel" Expenses for Ilona ", and when one day after a joint dinner I jokingly offered to pay ... he exhaled with relief and replied:" Anyway, you ate more! "Well, what romance can There's talk! As a result, many of my friends prefer to communicate with local Arabs - they are much more gallant than native Frenchmen. "
Another Latvian citizen Lena, having received a contract forwork in Copenhagen, after a while married a Dane. Not only does everyone have their own money, but all the bills are in half, so one day the husband estimated that her dressing room takes up too much space that he does not use, so her share of the rent should be larger.
In general, all our wonderful ideas aboutthe French cupids do not go beyond the bonshounds, and dreams of a western prince on a white horse are often limited to a boring gray pony, though surely standing on its feet, with guarantees and a full "helmet" in case of vicissitudes.
In Latvia, the struggle between "traditionalists" and"Westerners" - in full swing. Emotionally, we are more attracted to the first option of organizing personal life - when in a whirlpool with a head and whatever happens. But joining the European Union obliges to try on option number two. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky appreciated both - from where it came from and what it leads to.
Loving in Russian (in a concentrated version)
- "In a whirlpool with a head", and there - come what may,
- "Love of evil - love and goat" (partner is not evaluated from all sides),
- man chooses,
- at least what, but his,
- pay men, for which they "dance" in full,
- the social stratum is not taken into account,
- parents do not take into account,
- The marriage contract hinders mutual trust,
- to be protected - interferes with romance, easier - then abortion,
- whom you love - that you beat,
- my children, what I want, then I do,
- to endure.
Loving in a Western way (in a concentrated version)
- in a serious relationship - only with a sober head,
- a suitable partner is selected, inappropriate - is eradicated with the help of psychologists,
- loneliness is not afraid,
- a woman chooses not less than men,
- love is love, and money is apart,
- search in your social layer,
- trial cohabitation, which is registered officially, but financial losses are not fraught,
- marriage contract,
- the relationship is being prepared all the time - let's talk, let's go to a psychologist,
- sex - prevention, until the child "gets up" in the schedule of life,
- any violence and aggression - the police are called,
- life went shoal - state service of salvation and juvenile helpers are connected.
- So, with the exception of exceptions, in most Western countries everything is completely different from what we are used to.
- Let's start with the general concepts of psychology - Russian andWestern - they are different. Immediately make a reservation, no Soviet psychology separately exists - there is a Russian that has adapted to the situation. It is associated with Orthodoxy. And this is not a culture and not a religion - it's a mentality that has developed over the centuries, and suffering has been put in the forefront. Accordingly, marriage is a test, and sex is a sin necessary for the continuation of the family. It's not for nothing that the wedding songs and rituals are associated with crying: Mom, do not let me, Dad, take home. The husband, in the image of the church, in such families - the king and God. Wife and children are servants.
- You are describing some deaf Middle Ages!
- In general, yes. But, as they say, spoons were found, and the sediment remained until 2016. Therefore, despite the happy ideas about the doll on the hood of a chic machine, people are ready for the fact that marriage is a test, a conflict and a burden. Because they were born and raised in such families. They were beaten, they were shouted at, parents quarreled, fathers often drank, but at the same time they earned more than their mother, and the whole family depended on their earnings. In the Soviet era, an attempt was made to equalize everyone in salaries - it did not work out.
The ideas of suffering, patience and humility have foundreflection in the psychology of people. And accordingly, families. Despite the fact that the roots of European culture are also Christian (although there is Catholicism and Protestantism there), there these values, excuse me for tautology, have no value. Actually, the marriage of love first appeared in the Middle Ages ...
- And what was before?
- Before this very idea of marriage to love and feelingshad nothing to do with it. She solved very different problems - the continuation of the family, the upbringing of children, the joint management of the economy and the survival of the community. Marriage was an absolute religious and state institution, where my wife did not expect at all: I do not love, I do not want, I'm compatible, incompatible. A healthy person from a family with a prosperity and perspective solved the prospects of his community and clan. This concerned both the European family and the Russian.
- And that, there was no love at all?
- There was no request to associate this feeling withmarriage. Mankind stood at the dawn of emotional development. People were primitive in this sense. For example, read the description of the family life of Ivan the Terrible - this is very tough: he could not always get married and divorce, so he periodically killed his wives or exiled to a monastery. And how did they choose the next "mother" with their son - they sorted out of thousands of 24, stripped them naked and let's feel - father and son still consulted which is better. This is the origin of the first senses. And many ordinary people lived like this - not only kings. The same peasant women were given in marriage at the age of 13-15 in the way that their master thought best.
"What about Romeo and Juliet, written at the same time?"
- This is just a clear example of the conflict betweenreligious-state marriage and the feelings of young people. From the same song - the novel "Anna Karenina", in which the main hostage of the situation becomes a husband who can not divorce such a wife. After all, according to the psychology of that time, the wife is his property, he can not cross it. In the end, everyone suffers.
We still see a problem when people do notunderstand that marriage is not about feelings and sex, but they also demand that faithfulness should be maintained, while people are polygamous by nature. As a result, the trend that in the West, that in Russia - fewer marriages and more divorce. The conflict is clear: the current people with their emotions in that old marriage can not live. Marriage is a very stable institution, connected by home, money, children, relatives, and love is an ephemeral emotion that can not be formatted under a centuries-old institution. And it turns out: today I love, tomorrow - no, and we already have children and a marriage contract. And what, divorce? Honestly - yes!
Funny case. In Moscow, an Uzbek taxi driver drove me up, he said: my brother and I married the girls our parents found. But our sister, candidate of science, was allowed to choose the groom. Here it is, our recent past!
"But let's go back to the West."
- For today in the western family, unlikefrom the Russian, in general there is no desire to endure humiliations, insults, cries, beatings, resentment, treason. Although, on an individual case, this is possible - if they are neurotics with sadomasochistic inclinations. But as an admission in the institute of marriage - no. For today, Western marriage involves, first, equality. (Of course, it's not about exceptional cases when an 18-year-old immigrant marries an 80-year-old millionaire.)
Is this related to equality? Or with individualism - that everyone is primarily for himself?
- This is the so-called European humanism, whenspecifically your values - above all. As you ate, penned and pokakal - this is the main thing in your life. Everything revolves around your desires and pleasures. You should not solve your social problems with your life, as it is in Russia. Remember, "the family is the cell of a communist society." In France, no one will tell you: create a family - strengthen the state.
Equality, of course, is realized, for the most partparts, on paper. After all, the very principle of marriage assumes that the husband takes responsibility for two things: to support the wife and protect her from other men and the world. So, there is no equality. In the West, with pseudo-human values, too, the bar is too high: the husband-wife (husband), the man-woman (man) and even the mother-father (the parent) avoid words. Even in Russian laws, this concept has penetrated the parents, hinting at equal rights. I think Syrian refugees will correct these excesses on the ground. Any bent stick breaks. As Brodsky said, the pendulum "swinging to the left will swing to the right."
Of course, there are always families in which the wife playsfirst role. In the old days, there were matriarchy, when the children were considered by their mothers, and they changed their husbands, and in the Russian Empire there were queens who strongly pressed themselves under the peasants, but this does not change anything. These are exceptions. And the rule is that men are physically stronger and earn more (even in Europe, according to statistics - 30 percent), besides, he does not bear or give birth to children.
I think if any lady in Russia and Latviashe will say: "What am I, I must change it myself - I have a husband for that!" Or if they attack a couple in a dark gateway - who will defend? That is, some purely male functions remained. Including in the west. Biologically, human psychology does not change so quickly. Although the West is increasingly engaged in leveling, and it works.
- But in Russia?
- There is more and more humility, patience and aggression. In Europe, too, there is enough violence, but in Russia this problem is incredibly difficult to solve by judicial means and by calling the police, and in Europe - yes. But this is not the worst thing. If a woman allows a man to raise his hand - it's her choice: she can leave - she can stay. But about the violence against children, Europe really stepped into space - they can not be touched with hands at all. Even in the most backward East European country neighbors will snitch and the police will arrive at once, and in Russia it is not a fact, "my child - what I want, I do."
- Very differently, we are solving financial and property issues, that before marriage, that in marriage, that after it ...
- Here ahead of Europe all - France. There, the law is as follows: if a wife has lived for ten years in marriage and did not work, her husband will then keep in her life, even after the divorce. Therefore, cautious French people - people who are greedy enough in the mass make a "pacified marriage" (PACS - a contract that is concluded between two individuals to organize their joint life) - this is not an official marriage in the mayor's office, with all the legal consequences such as partition of property and necessity keep the spouse, but simply a message that these two people are a couple who live together. This can reduce the price of parking, ease taxes, etc. - purely practical things. But if they run away - no one owes nothing to anyone. True, the children do not enter here - the relationship of the child parents is regulated separately. In any case, children should not lose.
Of course, when the "groom" asks the "bride" to payfor himself in a restaurant, he does not have to wait for him to keep her in a marriage. Most likely, he will offer her work on a par with himself. But even in America, with her feminism, when the boyfriend invites the girlfriend to the restaurant - by default, he pays. Each for himself is about business and friendly meetings.
- And love, as a feeling, all these formalities - pax, separate payment, marriage contracts - do not interfere?
"A marriage contract is a very useful thing." Conflicts for money are the fourth cause of divorce in the world: why do I earn - you just spend it, etc. The contract removes this problem. Everything is written there: someone in the marriage belongs to someone in a divorce departs. For example, we bought a car, and it says: "A car acquired in a marriage belongs to the one in whose name it is registered." The topic is closed. Yes, it's unpleasant. Yes, we are not used to it. But this prevents unwanted conflicts, like a condom from unwanted pregnancy. Or spouses earn much differently - that his wife always ask her husband to give money? And in the contract it is written: 30% of incomes - the general family budget which is stored in the general bedside table, and the rest - personal money.
- Why do Russian women still so weakly swing the rights, in comparison with the Western?
- In addition to religion and sources, there is one morea significant moment, regulating relations - demography. In Europe, men are not so spoiled by women. And in Russia, and in Latvia - they are spoiled. At least because women are much larger than men. That is, at the start of their ratio is not much different, but already to the childbearing age of men becomes noticeably less.
"Where do they go?"
- They drink, they sit, they get in an accident ... Well, I tell you - look at the statistics.
- In the list of calls, which our ambulance usually does not leave, there is this: "vodka drinks - mamku beats." Doctors say that this is a classic.
- That's it! Russian women feel an acute shortage of men, which dictates tough and even cruel conditions for the "market." For example, in Europe on the streets women dress about the same - sneakers, jeans, sweater, jacket ...
"Having visited France in the end of March, on some day I discovered that I was the only woman in a skirt on the streets and in the subway. I have not met one (!). And it was not cold.
- That's it. And in Russia - heels, dress, bright cosmetics, necklaces - everyday realities of our streets. In a bakery without "Labuten" will not come out. Why? We do not have the Arab East, where the environment obliges. On the contrary, the Russians are the northern people. But a very tough market, here our girls try: die, but do not take off your heels without love. A Western woman will think a hundred times whether it's worth talking to you-who are you, in general? What do you want?
- In fact, non-evoking clothes cause intimes more respect. This means that a person knows his own worth. But if he starts to dress up, then, then, he is insecure and he needs to dress up to like.
So Russian women suffer, because, especially in recent times, there are more of them. After the war for decades it was believed that if you did not marry after 25 years - hello.
As a result, in the West, with equal relations andsafe for a woman market, women are less inclined to tolerate drunkenness, betrayal and aggression, she is less afraid to remain alone. And she will not consider herself flawed because she is not married. And in Russia it will. We will have her even wearing an engagement ring in the metro, so that everyone thinks that she is married. Another example: 82% of women in Russia are hired by the employer when applying for a job - marriage makes them protected. In the West, there is no such problem.
- Self-restraint from the series "a decent girl first does not call, she does not talk about her feelings, she will not engage in sex after the first date," etc. Is it only in love in Russian?
"This is typical of neurotics." If a man to a woman or vice versa says "I love you", then a healthy person expresses his feelings like that, and a neurotic wants to get an answer: do you love me or not? Of course, if a healthy person gets "I love you" in response to his "I love you", he will be upset, but because of this he will not deny himself the pleasure of saying about his feelings, and this will not destroy his self-esteem: well you do not love, so you do not love - what can you do about it.
- Why are these signs of neurotics more characteristic of Russian girls?
- They are more dependent, for all equality. For them, relationships play a big role. And this is from childhood.
- Well, Russian women rush into the pool withhead, then suffer, marriage contracts do not make ... Western all countlessly count, just a little - in court or to a psychologist ... At the same time, who among them feels happier in marriage?
- I will open a terrible secret: it does not matter at all! The happiness of marriage is ensured only by the psychological stability of its participants. If a person is balanced, psychologically mature, non-aggressive, stable, with an easy character - he will not conflict for any reason. He is not a neurotic. And this easily can live a lifetime and sleep with one person, not wishing anyone else. Because such a person does not need to prove anything to anyone. Such people will constantly develop and grow up, get from each other something that is necessary for him, as in a healthy marriage and should be. Yes, a certain social similarity plays a role, a community of interests, but this is not important.
- Tell me, why such a happy family character?
"From the family." If your parents did not conflict, they lived happily ever after - a great chance that you will not. In such marriages a child grows up in love, he is accepted as he is, and then he also treats his wife or husband. So, loving at least in Russian, even in French - on a family marriage is not reflected.